Can I Tell You A Secret?

Believe it or not, your suddenly independent teenager, who spends most of her time in her bedroom (other than the occasional visit to the bathroom, the kitchen, out the front door) WANTS to talk to you, but the vulnerability of opening it up is terrifying.   

I know, I know.  It seems nuts.  If you ask her a direct question at the dinner table (if you can actually get her to SIT at the dinner table), she is rolling her eyes and seems annoyed by the "interrogation."  Although it probably feels like she has no interest in taking to you ever again, she needs to feel like she's in charge.  In the ever-glorious world of social media, suddenly the peers she used to relate to are living perfect lives with their makeup tutorials, bikini bodies, and match-made-in-heaven boyfriends.  Being vulnerable is more elusive than ever, and this carries over to being vulnerable with you, which may never have been an issue before.

More than ever, most girls are desperate to open up and be vulnerable, but bringing an issue directly to you, for a face-to-face heart-to-heart is highly uncomfortable for her.  (See the Car Rides: A Secret Weapon Blog for more.)  Even worse, though, than gathering up the courage to approach you directly with a concern or a cry for help, is being asked about it directly.  How many times have you asked a simple question, only to be pushed away?  One of the best balancing acts you can do is to find the middle ground between interrogating your t(w)een and waiting for her to come to you is to just listen. 

If you put your phone down and tune in carefully, you may begin to notice that your child is dropping "crumbs" for conversation.  In passing, she'll mention a nasty lunchroom table interaction, or express worry about dance auditions.  Rather than delving deeply in that moment, pick up those "crumbs" and hold onto them.  When you have a relaxed, unassuming moment, pick up one of those "crumbs" and casually ask a light question about it.  "Did I hear you say Amy walked away from your lunch table when Emily sat down?" and see if she bites.